The awkward moment when…. you feel the need to text your ex to tell her about a documentary because noone else would understand
….and then she doesn’t text back
and yes, before my hypocrisy is pointed out to me. I would point out that I use this blog as a private way of dealing with my private thoughts. People are welcome to read it if they want but I don’t want it to come back and shit on me. I will say what I want, I will rant about what I want because I use it to deal with MY issues.
My blog is far more private that FB and friendships xxx
So, it’s late night and I’m awake which means I’m writing a blog to try and clear my thoughts! Yay for sleep therapy…
Well what’s been bugging me of late…. people taking out their beef through the internet? Deleting history is a good move, but for no real reason doesn’t make sense! Why is it necessary to air your dirty laundry in public?
Okay so I’m bored today so I started thinking - this always gets me into trouble but here we go.
I’ve been thinking about body image, how it affects by vague feminist views and how it’s so fucking shitty that society today destroys anything that doesn’t conform to gender binary or what is considered to be ‘norm’. This was all triggered by my having to do the ironing. Who decided that ironing was necessary, to remove creases from a fabric that obviously likes being creased just to wear them back in again? IT BAFFLES ME! But, I still wouldn’t go to any form of formal occasion without ironing my clothes because god forbid I look scruffy and downtrodden! Why can’t that actually be judged on me as a person as opposed to whether I have nicely pressed clothes.
But we all know ironing is trivial in comparison to the destruction the media and society have on our perception of ourselves. Somethings yes make sense, I am losing weight because it will make me healthier… Well actually, if we were to look into my little brain it would more be because I want to look attractive. And who decides what’s attractive? Some poxy men (and probably women too) who splay ‘beautiful’ women across advertising making all of us young girls think that to diet til we are scrawny and have lost every single curve is the BEST THING EVER! But still I’m dieting and it’s not my biggest bug bear because I’d rather live for a bit longer and not die some lovely Cardio Vascular related death.
My biggest issue is hair, why is it that I hate hair? I pluck it all out because it makes me feel sick. I consider myself to be a feminist, witter on about how it’s my choice to do it and how I respect those who do choose to have hair. But why is it even a choice to have? Surely it should be a choice to not have?
I hate the stuff, with a passion! I epilate it off so I don’t have to see it, and as some form of punishment to my body for having it I get a hit of pain every month or so. My mother has a more relaxed approach so I didn’t pick it up from her, So where did I get this from?
SOCIETY! I’ve been subjected to a dogma of hair removal from around the age of 11 to the point where as a teenager I was horrified by a hairy armpit even on a man. I wish I could be strong enough to let it all grow out, but I just can’t. It’s become a phobia and try as I might I’m not gonna beat this one.
But, for all those girls who are out there baring it all, respect to you. I could never do it, and I hope one day if I ever have kids that they will be able to have the strength to not conform. YOU GO GIRLS xx
Reasons why I hate sitting at the doctors:
1) They never offer the instant fix I want so it is never resolved
2) They have removed the magazines for hygiene reasons
3) I don’t like queuing and/or waiting
4) It’s bloody difficult to get an appointment
5) You have to go over the same things again and again
6) They always look at you like you’re complaining at nothing
…. Surely for the reasons outlined I would not be here if it were NOTHING!
Sometimes I just wish my doctor were dr dawn or dr pixie offa embarrassing bodies, they always understand and produce miraculous treatments!
In recent days I’ve been thinking about why I am so reluctant to define my sexuality. Previously I’ve always identified myself as bi, with all the bi-phobia that is associated with it however, of late I have become reluctant to do this. Is it simply because I am fed up of being accused of being a cock hounding slut? Or a cheat? Or promiscuous? Or is it for other reasons?
The biphobia is of course a contributing part. Yes, I have been promiscuous, yes, I have cheated and yes, I like men, women and everyone in between but; only the latter is to do with my sexuality. The rest is simply due to the fact that I am me, I made mistakes, I thought it was a good idea or more to the point I didn’t think at all. None of which is influenced by my sexuality. The fact that medial portrayal of bisexuality only snowballs this opinion makes my blood boil but why do the majority including hetero, lesbian and gay society think that this even acceptable.
I am not going to blame porn, I don’t think that anyone would believe that those girls would out of choice have threesomes with those men and so I don’t think it’s the primary culprit, but then I don’t know what is. If you look up bisexual people on Wikipedia an alarming number of porn stars appear in the list, I’m not sure how that is relevant but I found it interesting when I was reading up on it today.
I’m sure many people would say I should identify as queer. But I don’t want to. Queer for me suggests an abnormality, that my sexuality is ABnormal. Statistically this may be true, but would society suggest that I was abnormal if I chose to be associated with another 4-10% minority which is what is estimated as the proportion of any society who is gay. Given that around 6% of people in the UK regularly attend church why is it necessary for me to define myself as queer or abnormal. They are after all for those not in LGBTQ circles still synonymous terms.
I think that I am unwilling to define myself as anything. I feel that once I’ve defined myself it’s a permanent state, you self limit your choices and your beliefs. I have had many lesbians tell me they find men attractive but wouldn’t pursue it because they are gay. Why do that to yourself? Why not leave yourself open to opportunities? Why do we feel we have to fit into tick boxes?
I will love who I love, I will sleep with who I sleep with and I will continue to attempt not to define myself or anyone else by their sexuality. However, for me, I will not define myself because if I’m happy…. WHO CARES?